The Birthing Class
by LadyClassical
Summary: Sirius and eight-months-pregnant Barbara go to a weekend-long birthing class. Taken from "Harry Potter and the Dogfather II: Chamber of Secrets."
1. New Age

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, for one thing, I realize this chapter is kind of long…I guess a lot more happened in the first day than I thought. But anyway, this is what's called an out-take. I wrote one for this story's predecessor (where Sirius helps build Phoebe's crib). This one is about a New Age birthing class, and if you're sensitive when it comes to those kinds of topics, you might want to skip this chapter (the empathy birth is on Sunday, and this chapter is about Saturday's class). We've got the breathing, the pushing, and some rather awkward conversation between the parents near the end. So proceed with caution! And if you like reading about this stuff (there are some sweet moments too), enjoy!**

 **P.S. If you're wondering, yes, I did hold an ice cube in my hand, until I couldn't take it anymore, for research purposes. When I describe it, that is what it really feels like, at least to me (although keep in mind I have an extremely low pain tolerance).**

…

"Now, remember, darling," said Gwen strictly. "No matter what they tell you, do NOT use any pain medication when giving birth."

"But Mum!" Barbara protested. "What if it hurts?"

"Then it hurts," Gwen replied. "Women are capable of powering through it. Giving birth is a privilege and a joy."

"Oh, come on, it is not," Barbara snapped. "Besides, pain meds are the mother's decision, not yours. Who are you to judge?"

"So that's how you talk to your mother, young lady?"

"If I may say," Sirius interrupted, since he saw Barbara was bristling, "I know you have Barbara's best interests at heart, and Phoebe's, but Barbara's an adult now, and—"

"And still my child!" Gwen said fiercely, and Barbara groaned.

Sirius deeply wished they had been able to get to the children's hospital another way, but he could never drive, and Barbara was too pregnant, and Regulus couldn't drive them because he was in America on business, so Gwen, Sirius's future mother-in-law, had offered to drive them in her wood-paneled station wagon. Barbara said they would take the bus, but that was when Gwen started in on her "guilt" thing, and they had to take the ride.

"Mum, I'm _not_ a child," said Barbara. "I'm _having_ a child."

"And I don't know why you and Sirius decided to do such a thing if you don't even know anything about birth, _or_ your own body."

Sirius looked at Barbara in confusion (Phoebe wasn't planned) and Barbara put a finger to her lips.

"We just knew we were ready for a baby, Mum," she said with a straight face. Sirius would have laughed if the stakes weren't so high. There was never a time when he felt ready to be a father.

Gwendolyn spent the rest of the car ride lecturing Barbara on things they were probably going to learn in the class anyway. First, she started in on the breathing exercises. Barbara looked embarrassed beyond belief when her mother tried to teach her about breathing deeply. Then, she started talking (in painstaking detail) about the Female Reproductive System, which was too much for Barbara.

"Stop it, Mum, just _stop_ it!" she cried, her hand on Sirius's shoulder. "I'm sure Siri doesn't want to hear about this."

"Nonsense, darling, _he_ knows you were built in this lovely way."

Barbara let out a moan similar to that of which she might emit during labor.

"So, um, how much longer?" said Sirius.

"Just a couple of minutes, dear," Gwen said fondly, turning around in the seat to look at him. "It was so nice of you to come along to Barbara's childbirth class. So many people dismiss this as 'New Age', but I'm telling you—"

"That's because it IS New Age!" Barbara interrupted. "Women have been having babies for thousands of years! Why do we suddenly need _classes_ on it?"

"Many of those women died, Barbara," Gwen reminded her in a sharp voice. "Or in modern times, women want to do natural childbirth, but since they aren't educated and equipped to deal with the pain, they end up getting epidurals, and since they can't feel anything, they don't know when to push."

"But…y'know, doesn't the doctor tell you when to push?" said Sirius hesitantly, remembering the episodes of "Love and Lust" he had watched ironically with Harry and Hermione.

"He shouldn't," Gwen told him. "Trying to stop pushing is like trying to hold in a sneeze. You don't need a doctor to tell you when to do it."

To Barbara and Sirius's relief, Gwen pulled the car to a stop in front of a large children's hospital. They trampled each other to get out of the car; Sirius grabbed the pillows, because Barbara had forgotten about them. They didn't have a yoga mat, but they were hoping the hospital would have one. Either that, or Barbara would have to lay on the floor.

"Oh, that was a close one," Barbara breathed, once the station wagon had driven away. "I'm sorry about that, Siri. My mother is a little overbearing. Ever since I fell pregnant, she's been lecturing me nonstop."

"Did you really tell her Pheebs was planned?" Sirius was fighting back a grin.

"She would've gone into conniptions if she knew the truth." Barbara shrugged. "It's kind of my fault, anyway. The Rhythm Method usually works, but I got the calendar messed up."

"Well, it worked out," said Sirius, putting his arm around her. She was six inches shorter than he was in flats, although she usually looked a little taller, since high heels were her favorite kind of shoes.

"I didn't tell Mum about how I'll get to take a potion, of course," said Barbara, looking up at Sirius. "Birth must have always been so easy for witches. I'm jealous."

"Don't be," said Sirius. "After all, the Childbearing Draught wasn't invented until 1971. Before that, it was just as hard—maybe even worse, because a witch wouldn't have access to pain medication. We didn't really know about that."

"There's a lot you didn't know about," said Barbara. "But what happened? Was everything okay?"

"Sometimes it was, sometimes it wasn't." Sirius shook his head. "But nobody knows for sure how many children the purebloods had, because there were a lot of illegitimate children going around. It was frowned upon to shag a Muggle, but a lot did anyway—don't ask me why, considering they thought of Muggles as subhuman. My mother didn't even think they were the same species."

"So what did they do?" asked Barbara, her hazel eyes wide.

"Well, it didn't have a lot of consequences, did it?" said Sirius with a sigh. "If you were a wizard, and a Muggle got pregnant by you, all you'd need is a Memory Charm. You'd give her a false memory of shagging a random guy in a pub. Then you could leave her and nobody would be any the wiser."

"Oh my God!" Barbara looked aghast. "Who would _do_ that to a pregnant woman?"

"An awful, lazy, good-for-nothing piece of shit, that's who," Sirius said harshly. "I think this child-support thing you Muggles have is a good idea. It's better than in our world, where a man's moral compass is often the only difference between a family with a father or without. Who knows how many Muggle-born kids are actually half-bloods with wizard fathers they never knew?"

"That's simply horrible," said Barbara.

"Beyond horrible," Sirius agreed. "But it happens."

They had to stop talking then, because that was when they entered the hospital. It was much more cheerful than the one Sirius had been admitted to when he had a heart attack earlier this summer. There were pictures on the walls depicting the letters of the alphabet and a word that started with that letter (N had a picture of noodles, for example). There were no dying or injured people being rushed past on stretchers. They walked to the elevators.

"Hmm," said Barbara, reading the sign above the elevator. "The Maternity Ward is on Floor 3."

So they got onto the elevator, which was already crowded, and the fact that Barbara was nearly on her ninth month of pregnancy didn't help. She took up a lot of room. However, thin Sirius could fit in.

The maternity ward ended up being the busiest one of all. You couldn't hear your nearest friend speaking over the cries of all the brand-new babies, and there were a ton of pregnant women being wheeled along the corridors, moaning in pain. Often, the panic-stricken fathers were not far behind them. Barbara had a map, luckily, and she used it to get to the room where they would have the birthing class. There were already a whole bunch of expecting couples there (and some single pregnant women), chatting amongst each other. One man passed by with his wife, obviously deep in labor, and cried, "Blimey, that's a long line!"

The doors were soon opened and they were greeted by a woman in scrubs who looked to be around the same age as Dr. Grant, Harry's pediatrician. She had olive-toned skin and tightly curled black hair. Her dark eyes were warm.

"My name is Sara McKellen, and I'm a certified labor and delivery nurse, plus a mother of six," she said. "But you can call me Nurse Sara. I will be your teacher for this enlightening class. Over the next couple days I hope we will all become great friends. Now, come into the room, don't be shy…I've got some yoga mats for those of you who forgot…and then we can all get to know each other."

Sirius grabbed a purple yoga mat and sat on it. Barbara sat in front of him, leaning back onto his lap, and he put his arms around her. He loved it when she did this.

There were about twenty couples in the class, and they all introduced themselves. When it was her turn, Barbara introduced herself and Sirius both.

"My name's Barbara Raffelovich," she announced. "This is my baby daddy, Sirius Black."

"I'm also her fiancé," Sirius pointed out. Barbara flicked him in the head playfully; everyone laughed. When the class was finished introducing themselves, Nurse Sara smiled again and began speaking.

"Some of you might remember Health class from school," she said. "But just as a little refresher, we're going to learn some more about our reproductive systems—specifically, what happens during birth exactly. Lots of new parents are confused by this, which can make labor seem scary. But I think you'll find that the more you know, the less nervous you'll be on your big day.

"The median time taken up during a first birth is about eleven hours, which means that half of expectant mothers took longer than eleven hours and the other half took less," Nurse Sara continued. "For second-time mothers and on, it's six hours. Your labor might be as short as four hours, or as long as thirty. Every labor, just like every pregnancy, is different. Just like how all of you have experienced a varying degree of physical symptoms, you will also all have different birth experiences. All will be special in its own way, though.

"Now," the teacher finished, "we're going to watch a couple of videos. This first video is just a little refresher on the female reproductive system, which of course is all too important when it comes to these things."

Barbara didn't seem too excited about this. Two-thirds of the video's run time was spent talking about things like not only anatomy, but hormones too and a lot about a woman's "cycle." Then they showed a medical illustration of fertile seeds being planted in a tender garden. Or at least that was how most of the adults put it in the early sixties when Sirius was young, and if you thought babies grew on trees as a result, that was your problem.

"Woooow," said one of the expectant fathers, who looked like he was about sixteen.

"So that's the miracle of the female body," said Nurse Sara, after the video had finished. "Remember, ladies, you are wonderfully made."

"Are guys wonderfully made, too?" said the sixteen-year-old, his hand shooting up into the air. The mother of his baby, who was also young, perhaps about a year or so younger than he was, rolled her eyes.

"Well, yes, I suppose so," said Nurse Sara, "Everyone is wonderfully made, in a way. But women are the ones who can actually grow and birth the babies." She turned back to the TV. "Now, this next video is different."

"Is it the Miracle of Life video?" asked one of the mothers.

"No, we're watching that later," Nurse Sara replied. "This video is just a scientific video about the signals our brains send us to let us know our babies are ready to come out. And the baby comes out when the woman's body is ready."

The video wasn't graphic, like everyone was expecting it to be. It was simply an illustration of the inside of the mother, including an animation of everything that happens in the onset of labor—from the water breaking to dilation to pushing to birth…all in about two and a half minutes. Again, it wasn't a graphic video, but to Sirius it looked extremely painful. Of course, he knew that if he could take on the pain for Barbara, he would, but he was also secretly glad, in a way, that it wasn't possible. Besides, he reminded himself, she wouldn't be in pain anyway.

"I-I don't know if I can do this, Siri," Barbara whispered, her cheeks flushed.

"You won't have to, remember?" Sirius whispered, grasping her hand. Looking around, he saw that he wasn't the only father trying to comfort a panic-stricken mother-to-be. "We've got the M word on our side."

"I think there should be a spell to make the wizard have the baby," Barbara whispered back.

"Now, students, I realize that video was quite cold and medical," Nurse Sara said with a small smile. "So next I've got something you might enjoy more. Before you decide to take an extremely long bathroom break—no, it's not graphic."

The first part of the video was actually surprising, because it didn't involve the birth at all. At first, everyone seemed a little bit dubious about it, but at only about a minute in, there were cemeteries that were livelier than the couples in that room. There was no speech in the video, just orchestral music. The mother had clearly just finished performing the sex act in the beginning of the video, but everyone gasped when they saw the Egg, just waiting to "hatch."

It went quickly after that. They watched the entire process of the child growing from a tiny bubble-type thing to a fully-grown baby. By the time they reached the part of the video where the baby's heart started beating (only eight weeks), Sirius heard a sort of squeaking sound coming from Barbara, and he saw that her eyes were filled with tears. He remembered suddenly she'd had her miscarriage shortly after her last baby's heart started beating, and hugged her closer to him.

The baby didn't really look like a baby. It looked more like a mutant alien thing. But it was still something they had made together, and that was what mattered. That thing had been inside Barbara months and months ago. How big was it now? They'd have to see…

And slowly that mutant alien creature turned into a baby. First it was a weird-looking one, then a normal-looking little baby who was starting to move around. In the later months, the baby moved its mouth, tugged at the umbilical cord, sucked its thumb and moved around like crazy. It was, of course, just a coincidence, but that was when Sirius (who had his arms wrapped around Barbara) felt his own little daughter kick. Barbara looked up, tears streaming down her cheeks; of course, she had felt it, too.

Just then, it was the strangest feeling. It was nothing Sirius had ever felt before. But at that moment, the only thing on his mind was to keep Barbara safe, to lash out at anything that could hurt her; the mother's instinct may have been to nurture, but the father's was to protect. Sirius buried his nose in Barbara's hair for a moment (it always smelled so good, even if she hadn't washed it) and planted a kiss there. It wouldn't be possible for him to let go of her, he knew…It was clear to him that whatever was happening on the screen was definitely happening inside Barbara too. How could it not be a miracle, that she could do something like that, and was already doing it? Not only that she _could_ do it, but that her body was _built_ to do it? Nothing was more miraculous than that. "Female Body Inspector" had been incredibly disrespectful, Sirius realized, because now he knew that the female body was much more amazing than his own.

They watched the baby flip itself expertly around, then push its head into the opening of the cervix, like it had in the previous video. They showed the water breaking, then a skeleton of the baby's mother as the baby got pushed out. And then, in the very last few seconds, to everyone's shock, the video showed a real baby, one that was born. Gloved hands carefully set the new baby in its mother's arms, the mother who had grown it for nine months.

When Nurse Sara stopped the tape and turned on the lights, nobody spoke. Barbara wasn't the only one crying, certainly. There had been all these changes happening in Sirius, pretty much all emotional with a few hormonal ones. But that all paled in comparison to what was happening to Barbara. She was completely full of physical symptoms and emotional overhauls and hormonal changes, and he could see why.

"Gentlemen, let me tell you, you're not as wonderfully made as you think," Sirius croaked, his voice cracking with emotion. "Compared to what your baby's mother is doing…you are forever painfully inadequate. Make sure you appreciate her."

Nurse Sara was beaming. The fathers all hugged the mothers. Barbara hugged Sirius especially tight, mumbling words he couldn't really understand.

"Oh, I know, honey, I know," he said softly, his hands stroking her arms, her back, her hair and of course her pregnant belly, causing his own eyes to burn with tears. Sirius knew he would live and die for Phoebe; he wanted to care for her and give her things. If someone tried to hurt her, they would be in for a world of Pain and Suffering. Most importantly, he knew Barbara felt the same way. He couldn't comprehend Jackson's way of thinking when he had abandoned Barbara and his own child four years ago. Or maybe that was the thing…Jackson wasn't thinking. He didn't know what he was missing.

"It really is touching," said Nurse Sara. "I have the best job in the world."

"Thanks for—thanks for showing us that," said the teenage mother-to-be, wiping her eyes. "I didn't know all that stuff."

"Neither did I," added the father.

"Well, I'm glad to see you know now," Nurse Sara replied. "However, now is the time you all may have been dreading. It's time to put these ideas in action. For educational purposes, a woman from Yorkshire has volunteered to be filmed during childbirth. Those of you with weaker constitutions may want to leave the room."

Still under the spell of the previous video, it seemed most of the room had a "how-bad-can-it-be?" sort of vibe. Nobody left except the sixteen-year-old and his girlfriend (they both looked kind of sick), and a few other fathers. Barbara leaned back in between Sirius's legs, against his chest, and they both put their hands on her belly, so they would catch it if Phoebe kicked. Barbara was generally fine with people touching her belly, since she wasn't insecure about it (except the protruding belly button, which she thought was a bit weird), but as Phoebe's father, Sirius got special rights.

In the first part of the video the mother didn't look too concerned—her husband looked more nervous than she did. But as labor progressed, she became more distressed. And most likely she'd forgotten she was being taped, because she stopped talking to the camera; instead she was just shrieking at the top of her lungs. Several of the students were covering their mouths in shock. Nurse Sara paused the birth video at this point.

"Right now, this brave woman is going through the worst part of labor, which is commonly known as transition," she told them. "She will soon reach the second stage of the four stages of labor, which begins with the first urge to push and ends with the birth of her baby. Let's continue, shall we?"

Sirius found himself wondering what the next two stages of labor were if the baby was born by the time the second stage was over, but he figured they would find that out later, and he was distracted by the video anyway, as that was when things got a little more graphic. Pushing took the mother about thirty minutes until the doctors finally noticed the baby's head, and everyone got excited…except the mother, who screamed like someone was using the Cruciatus Curse on her.

"IT BURNS!" she screamed. "CAN'T ANYBODY DO ANYTHING TO STOP THIS?!"

Everyone else was telling the mother she was doing a good job, and Sirius supposed she was, but it was slow going. Barbara nudged Sirius's arm.

"That looks like it hurts," she said.

"It won't," Sirius told her.

"GOTTA GET IT OUT!" the mother was heard grunting. "HOLY SHIT, THAT HURTS!"

" _Oy vey_ ," said Barbara. "I didn't know such a small woman could make such deep grunting noises."

"Well, now she sounds like she's crying," said Sirius.

"Maybe it's because that kid's head is so big."

"Ooh! Ooh!" cried the mother. She was working on pushing while a doctor's hands held onto what was visible of her baby's head. "Harder, harder…baby's coming, baby's coming…"

The students remaining in the room swiveled their heads simultaneously to the screen as the mother's shrieks escalated to screaming that would likely rival her child's, at a pitch Sirius thought he could only hear when he was a dog. Meanwhile, her husband was fanning her with one hand, holding her hand with the other. Sirius felt bad for all the mothers who didn't have the fathers to support them, but then he heard himself gasp as _finally_ the baby's head was out. Then the mother didn't sound so pained anymore as her baby slid out in only two more pushes.

In less than a second, the sound of a mother's screams morphed into clapping and the woman's sigh of relief. They handed her the new baby and for a moment, the students seemed to forget what she had gone through to get it. The mother was crying in disbelief, cradling the tiny thing now placed lovingly in her arms. Her husband gave her a kiss on the cheek, then she tilted her head up and kissed him on the lips. The mother was crying, kissing her baby over and over again. Nurse Sara called everyone who skipped the video to come back in.

"I can't believe this is really happening," the mother on-screen said softly. "It was so worth it."

Barbara's hand was over her mouth and she was stroking her chin. Not many people knew this, but that was what she did when she was trying not to cry. Sirius pulled her back again and let her lean her head on his chest, running his fingers through her hair. It had gotten oilier, but thicker, too. Sirius remembered the day they'd met—one year ago at her job at Bunsen and Barnes—and quite frankly, he just hit on her because she was hot and since he'd been sexually deprived in prison, he would have flirted with anything that moved. He hadn't been expecting to start anything serious. But how hot had Barbara been? Just regular hot? He hadn't even realized it, but Barbara had transformed from a hot girl to a beautiful woman before his very eyes. Not just a secretary who he was shagging meaninglessly, but a fiancée who _had his baby inside her_. How great was that?

Well, it hadn't been entirely great. In early January 1992, Sirius had received a letter from Barbara's godmother saying she was pregnant, which had scared him more than anything in the world. Not just because he wasn't prepared to be a father, but because Barbara's godmother said she was very sick and the baby's life could be in danger because Barbara couldn't keep her food down. Sirius hadn't been planning to have a baby, it was true, but it was still his child, after all…so he'd done what he could to help. He had to give up every ounce of dignity he had and ask Snape for a potion to cure Barbara's sickness. Snape had refused at first and called Barbara a "playmate," but after enough pleading, Sirius had the potion, which made the rest of the first trimester much easier…physically, that is.

Sirius and Barbara had both been worried beyond belief that Barbara would miscarry again. Barbara was paranoid Sirius would leave her, like Jackson. _Everyone_ thought, for a time, that Sirius was going to leave Barbara. Things had gotten better once the first trimester was over and the risk of miscarriage decreased. But Sirius didn't stop worrying that he'd be a bad father, despite Harry being convinced that he'd be the best one. Harry didn't know, though…Sirius thought he could barely take care of himself, much less a baby. Worry, worry, worry, and he'd turned to heavy drinking, as he knew he shouldn't.

But finally she'd learned he was a wizard, and she came to Hogwarts, and they named the baby, and things started getting better. And now Sirius truly felt much more prepared. Maybe these past eight months had changed Barbara significantly, but they had changed him, too, and he thought it was for the better. It had certainly changed Barbara for the better, in his opinion. Now there was just something about her, something that drew him to her, that wasn't there before. He couldn't explain it. But something made him want to hold her in his arms, run his fingers through her hair, run his hands over her hips, over pleasant curves that weren't there before, kiss her lips, and…oh, damn. Think of Mother, think of Mother…But—

"Siri?" said Barbara, turning around and grinning. "You got a problem?"

"I let my thoughts of you get carried away," Sirius replied, and she let out a snort of laughter. The two of them were interrupted, though, by Nurse Sara talking again.

"You're all likely wondering something," she said. "Are there any ways you can make labor less painful? Of course, there are things such as epidurals and even laughing gas, the kind you get at the dentist. But if you choose not to go that route, or if it isn't an option, one popular strategy is to focus on your breathing."

"Here we go," Barbara muttered. Sirius squeezed her shoulder.

"You generally breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth, slowly and calmly," said Nurse Sara. "Let's do it together, shall we? Dads too!"

Nurse Sara took a deep breath in through her nose, arms spread wide, eyes closed, looking almost like a prophetess on a hilltop; then she breathed out through her mouth. The mothers (and some of the fathers) followed along.

"Good job!" Nurse Sara told them encouragingly. "Another technique we can try is called 'patterned breathing.' The idea is that you can distract yourself from the pain of contractions by focusing on the breathing task itself. These need to be learned, and practiced, so it's a good thing we get to learn them in class today."

"What's patterned breathing like?" asked one of the fathers, waving his hand all around in the air. "I've never heard of it."

"One of the most widely-used strategies is _pant-pant-blow_ ," Nurse Sara replied. "Let's pretend we've just entered a contraction. Your breathing should sound like this, and occur roughly at one breath per second. But adjust it to your liking, of course."

Nurse Sara breathed sharply in and out, sounding kind of like "hee-hee-hoo." Soon everybody was following along with her. Barbara had her eyes closed and was lying down, like all the other mothers in the class. When they were done, Sirius was thinking of the Childbearing Draught, and why it had been invented, so he raised his hand.

"This seems pretty simple now," he said, "but what about when you're actually in the midst of labor? Wouldn't it be hard to remember all this?"

"Let's see, then," said Nurse Sara kindly. "What's the worst pain you've ever been in?"

"Easy," Sirius replied. "Back when I was about sixteen, I took a bad one in the balls from a bat."

Every male in the room winced, and Nurse Sara said, "You mean a baseball bat?"

It had actually been a Beater bat, but Sirius couldn't say that here, of course. He knew baseball was a kind of Muggle sport, and he figured a baseball bat must be pretty much the same thing as a Beater bat, so he said, "Yes."

"How did that happen?!" Barbara cried.

"My best friend used to play on a...on a school _baseball_ team when we were younger," said Sirius. "I was always the announcer. After the game, he and I were talking and joking around, but then some idiot with a bat wasn't paying attention to his surroundings and hit me by mistake."

"And you still managed to have a baby?" the sixteen-year-old bleated. His face was the color of oatmeal.

"Well, testicular trauma doesn't _necessarily_ render you sterile, dear," Nurse Sara replied. "Anyway, Mr. Black, how did you deal with it?"

"I fell to the ground, threw up and possibly cried a little," Sirius replied. "My stomach hurt a lot. I didn't black out, but I wished I had."

"It's too bad he didn't know about patterned breathing, then," said Barbara, the corners of her mouth twitching.

"Not just patterned breathing," Sirius said. "Any breathing at all. I couldn't walk or even stand. Luckily for me, my friend found a carton of ice cream and told me to put it between my legs—that made it a lot better."

Sirius remembered that. It was a good thing James came up with that idea, and of course they were lucky to have the Invisibility Cloak, because otherwise he might not have been able to steal any ice cream from the kitchens. They'd been slightly delayed, however, by James asking Sirius what flavor he wanted, until Sirius pointed out that it didn't matter, because it wasn't as if he was going to be _eating_ it. He still remembered James running as fast as he could towards the castle, still in his Quidditch uniform, just doing his best to help a friend in very terrible, excruciating pain.

"Well, I'm glad things got better," said Nurse Sara, "and I'm certainly glad it didn't negatively affect your fertility. But to answer your question…that's why I brought these."

Nurse Sara pulled out a bag of freezing cold ice cubes and dispersed them amongst her students, mothers and fathers alike. The idea was that they had to use their breathing techniques to power through the uncomfortable ice.

"Blimey, that's cold," said Sirius as an ice cube was dropped into his hand.

"Use the breathing techniques we've just discussed to distract yourself from the pain of the ice cube's cold," Nurse Sara explained. She was walking around the room, helping anyone who was having trouble. Sirius was trying to use Patterned Breathing to help himself endure the ice cube's cold. It sounded easy, but it actually wasn't. The cold started to burn, and even though Sirius and Barbara tried to imitate Nurse Sara's breathing, it was getting harder to endure. Sirius sometimes found himself breathing through in through his mouth by accident, or out through his nose. He tried to focus on breathing, but it wasn't much different than just sitting there thinking about the ice cube. It didn't really help, to be honest, and he knew it definitely wouldn't help if you got whacked in your manly regions by a bat.

Finally, Nurse Sara told them they could put the ice cubes down. Sirius wiped his hand on his jeans; it felt hot and tingling.

"There are more ways to manage pain, like movement and massage," said Nurse Sara, collecting all the ice cubes and putting them back into the bag. "There are lots of benefits of massage."

"Like how it can get you nooky?" suggested the sixteen-year-old.

"I doubt your girlfriend is going to want to have sex with you while she's in labor," Nurse Sara pointed out, but the girlfriend shrugged.

"You never know," she said. "I might want to. I'm feeling pretty horny these days."

"It's because of your pregnancy hormones," Nurse Sara explained matter-of-factly. "This can mean a heightened sex drive for some women."

"What about me, Nurse Sara?" said her boyfriend. "I'm always feeling really horny, too, and I'm not pregnant."

"But you _are_ going through puberty," Nurse Sara reminded him. "That would probably explain it."

"Oh…yeah," said the sixteen-year-old. His girlfriend rolled her eyes again.

"Now, if there are no more questions, we're going to get to the next part of the class, which is pushing," said Nurse Sara. "Everyone please stand on your knees or in a squat."

"I hate squats," Barbara whispered, so she kneeled. So did Sirius.

"Now, I want you all to pretend you're pushing a baby out," Nurse Sara announced. "And…go!"

It was more than a little awkward for a guy, but for the sake of being a good sport, and because a lot of the other fathers were too, Sirius joined in with the pushing. Nurse Sara hadn't told them which muscles to use (maybe she was testing them), so they had to guess. Quite frankly, though, it felt more like he was trying to push out an uncomfortably large and stubborn bowel movement than anything else, and it probably looked that way, too.

Sirius chanced a glance at Barbara. She definitely looked constipated, only to more of an extreme. Her eyes were clenched tight, her teeth were bared, and her hands were in fists.

"Barbara, calm down," Sirius whispered. "It's just an exercise."

"Oh. Right." Barbara relaxed and laughed. They looked over at the sixteen-year-old and his girlfriend. They were both attempting to squat, until the baby's father, visibly straining, fell backwards onto the floor.

"Now, everyone, I can see the flaws," said Nurse Sara. "What muscles do you believe you used when you were pushing?"

"Pelvic floor," said Sirius. Due to the unfortunate side effects of his antidepressants, he was relatively familiar with the concept of pushing.

"Yes." Nurse Sara nodded. "And the pelvic floor muscles should be used when birthing. But often the abdominal muscles are overlooked. It's true the baby is going to come out no matter what, but if there was a more efficient way to do it, wouldn't you?"

All the mothers nodded in agreement, including Barbara. Nurse Sara told them to pay attention, then demonstrated a push of her own. It didn't look anything like the pushes the students were attempting. She didn't clench her teeth or screw up her eyes (although she did close them), and she put her hands on her thighs, spread open. When she was done with the practice push, she grunted, loosened her muscles, and opened her eyes.

"Good job!" said one of the mothers. "But how are we supposed to do that?"

"Don't worry," Nurse Sara replied. "I'll teach you. I know that when you 'push,' your first instinct is usually to use your pelvic floor. But try to focus on your abdominal muscles instead. Flex them first, and use them to do the pushing, with your pelvic floor for support. Relax your face muscles, because tensing them only wastes energy. Now I want you all to try it again…"

And they did. It was different than what they'd done before. Sirius could at least flex his abdominal muscles, and he did, trying to keep his face relaxed. He heard Barbara make a soft grunting noise when she finished doing her push.

"Sorry," she said. "Grunting is kind of involuntary."

"Did I hear someone mention grunting?" Nurse Sara had a grin on her face. "You're correct, Miss Raffelovich. Screaming during labor makes a woman tense. Did you notice the woman in the video? She was making deep sounds—guttural, you might say—and these help her along. Observe."

Nurse Sara did a push again, but this time she added grunting, which might have been more convincing if she had actually been in labor, because otherwise it just sounded kind of strange. It was even stranger when she told them to practice grunting.

Grunting was one thing if you did it at the end of your push involuntarily, but it wasn't easy to consciously do it. Barbara kept breaking into giggles, and Sirius thought the noises he was making qualified more as "straining" than "grunting." It seemed a little counterintuitive.

"Don't worry, class," Nurse Sara told them. "We'll have plenty more time to practice during the duration of our class—and that's a good thing, because tomorrow I have a surprise for a brave mother…or for a _very_ brave father."

Once they were done pushing and grunting, class was over for the day. Nurse Sara told everyone they would be finishing the rest of the crash course tomorrow, and to get a good night's sleep. Then they had some time to socialize.

All the mothers seemed to gather together in one big pack; they laughed and chattered as they felt each other's bellies and compared sizes. Some of the fathers were talking amongst each other as well; Sirius was watching Barbara when he felt himself jabbed in the ribs by a man wearing a plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up, khakis, big square glasses, a fedora, one gold earring and a sweaty man-bun. Sirius knew him to be called Anthony, from the introductions.

"Hey there," said Anthony. "What position did you use?"

"Excuse me?" Sirius said sharply.

"Y'know, what position did you use for getting your fiancée pregnant?" the man clarified. "Let me guess…doggy-style?"

"That, sir," Sirius told him, "is none of your business."

"But some positions make it easier!" Anthony insisted. "Would you like to hear about our experience?"

"No, I would not, and it doesn't matter, Anthony, because obviously everyone here succeeded in the end, didn't they?" Sirius gestured to the crowd of mothers-to-be. "Now, if you don't mind—"

"Ashley and I used a position that worked _really_ well," the sixteen-year-old interrupted.

"Oh really," said Anthony in interest. "Which position did you use, Dylan?"

"She gave me a _lot_ of head," Dylan replied, beaming at the very thought.

"You don't know what you're talking about," Sirius told him impatiently. "That's impossible."

"She swallows every time," Dylan said back, as if this settled the matter. "Besides, I can only last for about thirty seconds before I explode like a champagne bottle."

"Okay, for one thing, that was _way_ more than I needed to know," Sirius snapped, wondering how (and why) you would share something like that with someone you didn't know from a hole in the ground. "And second, you can't have gotten her pregnant by oral, champagne bottle or no. It had to be when you two did it for real."

"You're wrong," Dylan said stubbornly. "I know because we haven't done it for real yet. I've never actually seen her without her clothes on. I have imagined her in the shower a lot, though…"

Sirius and Anthony exchanged a sudden look of understanding. Somebody had been cheated on and lied to.

"Mate, a girl can't get pregnant that way," Sirius told Dylan, trying to sound gentler. " _Think_ about it."

Dylan had probably been picturing Ashley in the shower again, but upon Sirius's words, his mind worked furiously to think about his theory on how she had fallen pregnant.

"You say you've only seen her naked in your mind," said Anthony. "But did you ever think…well, maybe some other guy has seen her naked for real?"

"What?" Dylan stared over at his girlfriend, looking horrified. "Ashley? You think she'd…?"

"Sorry, mate," said Sirius. "I don't know whose baby that is, but it isn't yours."

"I-I have to go to the bathroom!" Dylan cried, his voice cracking violently, and he ran out the door, his hands over his face.

"That stinks," said Anthony, shaking his head.

"I'll say," Sirius agreed, feeling sorry he had been short with Dylan.

"We've all been there, too," Anthony continued sympathetically.

"Cheated on?"

"No, the whole champagne bottle thing," said Anthony shrewdly. "I mean, when I was his age, even thirty seconds was really hard to—"

"I'm really starting to wonder about this conversation," Sirius interrupted, sticking his hands in the pockets of his motorcycle jacket. "That metaphor was kind of in bad taste, don't you think?"

"It wasn't a metaphor, it was a simile," Anthony corrected.

"Whatever," Sirius said impatiently, and that was when Barbara strolled by. Sirius had literally never been so happy to see her in his life.

"Hi, Siri," she said brightly. "Ready to g—"

"Yes!" Sirius seized her arm and walked as quickly away as he could without actually running. They got their pillows, put away the yoga mat, and decided to call a cab instead of Gwen. Anthony waved as they left. They didn't get to see Dylan again (he stayed in the hospital bathroom so long that Nurse Sara got worried and sent one of the staff in there to fetch him), but somehow Sirius didn't really care.

"Bye, everyone!" Barbara called over her shoulder to the mothers. "See you tomorrow!"

"Tell me, Barbara," said Sirius as they walked down the corridor to the elevator. "Am I the only one who knows TMI is a thing?"

"No," said Barbara. "Why?"

"Well, it turns out Dylan isn't a father, to begin with," said Sirius. "His girl was cheating on him."

"What?!" Barbara gasped. "How did you know? Did he _tell_ you? Why did he go to class if it wasn't his and she cheated on him? Where was the real father?"

"Questions, questions," Sirius said. "That bloke in the khakis, Anthony, had the gall to ask me what position we used, if you can imagine, and I didn't answer, because I know what tact is, but of course Dylan decided to share with us all."

"And…?"

"And he thought he was the real father, but then he claimed she'd gotten pregnant just by going down on him," Sirius explained. "We told him that wasn't possible, but he said it _must_ be possible, because that was the only thing they ever did…and then it kind of clicked, I guess. Bet he won't turn up with her tomorrow."

Barbara whistled. "Poor kid."

"Yeah, I know," said Sirius. "But what I'm wondering is, why did that conversation happen in the first place? Why do people think I want to hear about what positions they used or how long it takes them to get the job done? Since when was this normal?"

"You do realize what kind of class this is, don't you?" said Barbara with a snort of laughter. "It's super New Age, and that means you're going to run into a lot of New Age guys. Never cared for them, myself…"

"From what I've seen of New Age guys, I don't think I much care for them, either," Sirius agreed. They had reached the elevators now, and he pressed the button that would take them to the lobby. "What did the women talk about, dare I ask?"

"Oh, you do _not_ want to know," said Barbara. "Let's just say they were things only a pregnant woman could understand."

"Try me, why don't you?" said Sirius with a grin. "It can't possibly be worse than what I had to listen to from Anthony and Dylan."

"Fine," Barbara replied. "There was this one woman, Melanie—she was having triplets, so she was the hugest one there—and someone mentioned leaking all the time, so Melanie described the panty liner as her 'new best friend.' I thought that was pretty funny, so I laughed, but then I peed too, of course…and then they laughed at me, but not in a mean way. Then this other woman called Christina told me to practice my Kegels, and I asked what those were, and apparently it's an exercise where you clench like you're holding back your pee."

"That sounds painful."

"It's not, though," said Barbara brightly. "I just did one right now."

"Great," said Sirius. "But you don't need to let me know about every single one, okay?"

"No problem," Barbara replied. "Because I've finally found an exercise I can do while sitting on the couch, watching TV and eating ice cream."

 **TO BE CONTINUED…**


	2. Pain Management

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yeesh, another long chapter. Lots of stuff happens in this one, too…Again, I advise you to skip it if you aren't interested in this kind of thing. Next chapter we have the Empathy Birth, which I'm sure nobody will want to miss. Here in this chapter we have father-daughter bonding, arguments with fellow parents, pain training, a horribly performed version of "God Save the Queen" and more. Enjoy! (Or skip. Your call.)**

…

"I really hope I don't run into Anthony again," said Sirius as he and Barbara walked down the hallway to the birthing class room. They had stopped at the hospital cafeteria, and both of them were slurping extra-large chocolate milkshakes.

"Don't worry, I'll stick with you today," Barbara reassured him. "If he bothers us, I'll use the Ultimate Guy Repellant on him."

"Drama?" Sirius guessed.

"No." Barbara grinned wickedly. "Worse."

When they got to the door, Anthony was indeed waiting for them. He seemed happy to see Sirius. Looking around, Sirius noticed that Ashley was there, but Dylan wasn't.

"Guess what my doctor told me about, Mr. Black?!" Anthony cried, excited. " _Male Kegels!_ You _have_ to try them! I'm sure they'll really help me because lately I've been having problems with—"

"Let me just stop you right there, Tony," said Sirius, holding up his hand. "I'm with my fiancée, and today we're going to talk about what _she_ wants to talk about."

"No problem," said Anthony. "What did you want to talk about, Barbara?"

"I just wanted to tell you what I like most about being pregnant," Barbara replied.

"Knowing you're going to have a child?" said Anthony. "The knowledge that there is a little life inside you? Maternity leave?"

"Nope," Barbara said casually. "What I like the most about being pregnant is not getting my period."

"Really?" Anthony looked surprised.

"Absolutely," she replied with relish. "It was pretty bad before, you know? Especially when you're stuck at work for hours and hours on end without a tampon and every so often it just kind of comes out of you, and it feels sort of like you wet yourself, but thicker and really sticky—I was just about to give Siri a really long, shrill monologue about my period and how hard it is to be a woman. You can listen if you want. I'm really going to go into detail."

"Sure!" said Anthony. "Fill me in!"

"What—are you kidding?" Barbara stared at him.

"Not at all," he replied enthusiastically. "Periods are beautiful! I know how important it is for girls to talk about them, and for men to listen. I mean, if guys had periods, we would hear about it all the time."

"Why would that be?" said Sirius, crossing his arms.

"Because our society would be more open to discussing it," Anthony replied.

"I'm sure _you_ would," Sirius said coldly, "but if I was pissing blood, I wouldn't use it as a talking point."

Barbara snorted into her milkshake.

"You wouldn't try writing stuff on the walls in blood?" Anthony insisted. "You know, like you write your name in the snow?"

"I haven't done that since I was twelve!" said Sirius in exasperation.

"It wouldn't work anyway, Tony," Barbara added. "You can't control the blood flow. And besides, that's one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard."

"You're _trained_ to think periods are disgusting, because—"

"Periods aren't disgusting," Sirius snapped. " _You're_ disgusting."

"It's a natural function," said Anthony.

"So is Dylan exploding like a champagne bottle, and I didn't need to hear about that, either."

"Sirius Black," Barbara gasped, "someday you're going to make me laugh so hard, I'll pop your little girl right out."

"It was his metaphor, not mine," Sirius told her.

"IT'S NOT A METAPHOR, IT'S A SIMILE!" Anthony yelled at them. "'I CAN ONLY LAST FOR THIRTY SECONDS BEFORE I EXPODE _LIKE_ A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE!' _SIMILE!"_

Every one of the women's heads turned in Anthony's direction at that point. Some were giggling.

"Really?" one of them taunted. "Fire a bit too early, do you, Anthony?"

"NO!" Anthony howled.

"I can see what you mean by TMI," Barbara muttered.

Possibly attracted by the noise, that was when another one of the fathers approached them. Sirius knew his name was Jason. Just like yesterday, he smelled suspiciously of what Sirius suspected was marijuana. He was wearing frayed bell-bottom jeans, sandals with rainbow socks, and an old white tank top with a peace-sign necklace, with a bracelet made of flowers and a red headband to top the look off. It was like looking at a stuck-in-the-sixties old hippie, only this guy was really young. Not as young as Dylan, but at least five years younger than Sirius was, maybe even more. Unfortunately, the marijuana smell only slightly masked an even worse scent underneath; this was one of the times when Sirius cursed his canine sense of smell. He tried to focus instead on the wonderful scent coming from the women, especially Barbara, but it was very difficult.

"Are you guys drinking milkshakes?" said the neo-hippie, Jason, by way of greeting.

"Yeah," said Barbara. "Want some?"

"No!" Jason glared at her. "I'm a _vegan!"_

"What the hell is a vegan?" said Sirius.

"It's a person who doesn't drink a cow's breastmilk, you animal murderer," Jason told him furiously.

Sirius ran his hand through his hair. "Did I miss something?"

"Siri, a vegan is a person who doesn't eat animal products," Barbara explained quickly. "It's not the same as vegetarianism, though. Vegetarians eat stuff like butter and milk and cheese, but vegans can only eat vegetables and fruit."

"Natural energy," said Jason. "Harnessed from the Earth."

"And grown illegally in your backyard," Sirius muttered. Barbara giggled.

"Oh, and by the way…" Jason was giving Sirius another death glare. "I bet that leather jacket and your boots are made from innocent cows, too, aren't they? Do you have something against bovines? And you know riding motorcycles is bad for the environment, right? _I_ biked here."

"I'll have you know I've never worn an animal product in my life," Sirius snapped. He was wearing his imitation-dragonhide boots and pleather motorcycle jacket, like yesterday. "And for your information, Barbara and I took the bus today."

It was true; Barbara absolutely refused to get in the car with Gwen again. Plus, if you were pregnant, people gave up their seat on the bus for you.

"It's still not biking," said Jason.

"How do you expect me to bike when I'm the size of a young killer whale?" Barbara demanded.

"Well, now, I think that's a bit of an exaggeration," said Sirius, but they were saved the pressure of more conversation by the fact that Ashley walked past.

"Ashley," Anthony said sternly. "I wanted to have a word with you."

"And I want a million pounds," she said rudely, not even looking at him, "but we can't have everything just the way we want it, can we?"

"I mean it!" Anthony insisted. "You hurt Dylan's feelings."

"It's not my fault he's such a little pussy bitch," Ashley snarled.

"Ashley, I never thought I'd say it, but I'm going to have to agree with Tony here," Sirius cut in. "Dylan loved you, and you hurt that kid bad."

"Take it from another female, Ashley," Barbara added. "Women who play games with men's hearts are the worst kind."

Sirius was proud of her for saying that, but Ashley just focused her anger on him.

"Don't you start lecturing me, Mr. Black," she snapped. Sirius noticed how she said "Mr. Black" very sarcastically. "You're old enough to be my dad."

"But not unfortunate enough," Sirius said back. "And it's rude to talk back to an adult."

"Don't give me that respect crap!" Ashley looked exasperated. "I'm fifteen years old! I'm not a child!"

"No, dearest Ashley! You're _not_ a child!"

Sirius, Barbara, Anthony and Ashley all swiveled their heads to the doorway in sync (Jason didn't, as he was too busy chewing on a celery stick). It was Dylan, holding a bouquet of roses, looking as if _he_ was the one who had cheated. Tears were streaming down his face.

"Mate—" Sirius began, thinking Dylan was insane for doing this, wanting to stop him somehow, but Dylan rushed right past him.

"You…you came back?" said Ashley in shock.

"Yes, my Ookums Snookums!" Dylan cried passionately. "What can I do to make you love me?"

"Just stay by my side," Ashley cooed. "Oh, I love you, Dylan."

"How romantic!" Anthony exclaimed as they kissed, but Sirius was a little more skeptical, thinking Ashley's intentions were less than true.

"He's screwed, isn't he?" he muttered to Barbara.

"Oh yeah." Barbara nodded. "Big-time."

"And you leave us alone, Mr. Black." Ashley smirked as poor Dylan swept her away.

Everything was silent for a minute, until Barbara finally said, "Old enough to be her dad, huh?"

"Well…" Sirius looked around. Come to think of it, he _was_ probably the oldest one there. He seriously doubted anyone else in the room (besides the teacher, perhaps) was born before 1965. It might explain why everyone called him "Mr. Black" but called everyone else by their first names. If he was Ashley's dad, he would have had to have been awfully young when she was born (eighteen), but then, James had been only two years older than that when Harry was born, and Sirius had a distant relative who had fathered a child at only twelve…So he asked Anthony and Jason how old they were.

"I'm 23, and Jason is 22," said Anthony. "How old are you?"

"I'll be 33 in November," Sirius told him reluctantly. That was it; he was a full decade older. Maybe that was why they thought so differently. He was a 60's kid in a room full of 70's kids.

"Ugh, we should've known, Anthony," said Jason in disgust. "Never trust anyone over thirty. Old people don't care about the environment at _all_."

"Oh, and you do?" Sirius said scathingly. "I would say about 90% of pollution is from your B.O. alone."

"Screw the system!" Jason shouted.

"Look…Jason," said Sirius. "When I was your age, and even younger, I was just as much of a 'Screw-the-System' guy as you are now. Probably even more. Rebellion was my thing. Okay? So I get it. But now is neither the time nor the place. If you're a parent, you're going to have to grow up."

"Believe it, Jason," Barbara told him. "Siri was a regular fish out of water."

"Him? No way. He's sold out to the man." Jason scowled. "Stop offending me!"

"Well, you stop offending my sense of smell," Sirius replied, "and I'll stop offending you."

"Come on, Siri, let's go before he starts attracting flies," Barbara added, pulling her fiancé away. She was born in 1967, so she fit in more, but she seemed angry on Sirius's behalf.

"Thanks, love," said Sirius, and she grinned.

"Did you really have enough piss to write 'Sirius Orion Black' in the snow?" she asked.

"I didn't think I would, so I just peed my initials and underlined them three times," Sirius told her. "But it kind of backfired, because everybody thought it stood for 'son of a bitch.' It didn't help that I did it right on the edge of the Black Lake, either, because then it was seen as an anti-Slytherin statement, when I was really just doing it as a joke."

"Seems like the sort of thing a twelve-year-old would find funny," she said lightly.

"I certainly thought so, at the time," said Sirius as they went to get a spare yoga mat before class started. "By the way, I wanted to ask, is no periods really what you like the most about pregnancy?"

"Of course not," Barbara replied. "I never really had bad periods. I was just hoping Anthony would get uncomfortable and leave us alone. But no, instead I got a really unpleasant image of his…well, I don't want to think about it."

"Neither do I, Barbara," Sirius told her sincerely. "But what _is_ your favorite part of being pregnant, then?"

Barbara smiled. "Feeling the baby move."

Sirius could never have thought of a better answer than that. He put his arm around Barbara, even though when he did that he had to reach his arm down rather than across (there was a considerable height difference between the two of them).

"All right, everyone, listen up!"

Barbara and Sirius turned at the sound of Nurse Sara's voice. Sirius set their milkshakes at a table at the back of the classroom (it was empty but for a baby doll and a cross-section of some female organs), then went to sit with Barbara on the yoga mat. They put the pink pillows nearby, in case they needed them. Barbara sat in Sirius's lap again, and they both kept their hands on her baby bump. Many other couples were sitting like that, too. Phoebe kicked awfully hard, right where Sirius's hand was.

"What was that for?" said Sirius, pretending to be indignant, even though in truth he was happy.

"Oh, I don't think she was being unreasonable." Barbara laughed.

As soon as everybody was settled in, Nurse Sara began speaking about the day's activities.

"We're going to continue our discussion of pain management techniques," the nurse told everyone. "Yesterday we talked about how proper breathing is crucial to your birth experience, and how the proper sort of pushing can make all the difference when giving birth. Today, we'll start with the benefits of massage."

Sirius remembered how yesterday Dylan mentioned that massage could get you sex, although now it was clear that massage hadn't gotten _him_ any sex. Maybe now it would? _Stupid teenagers_ , he thought. It was true, Dylan seemed nice enough, but definitely not very smart.

"We're now going to take a field trip to another room in the hospital," said Nurse Sara, "where the fathers are going to learn to give a proper back massage. Remember how in the video the baby was pressed against its mother's spine? That's called back labor, and it hurts. There was a reason it was highlighted in red."

Nurse Sara led the couples to another room (she had to wait a little, because it took the pregnant women some time to stand up again). Inside were several exercise balls, beanbag chairs and hospital beds. There was also another nurse waiting for them.

"This is Nurse Selina," Nurse Sara introduced her. "She's a mother of seven, and she's going to help me demonstrate what it's like to properly massage a woman in labor."

"You might be wondering what all of this is," Nurse Selina added, pointing to the equipment in the room. "First of all, the exercise balls, also known as 'birthing balls', can be very efficient for pain management. It encourages you to sit in an upright position, which is better than lying down on your back. There are also hospital beds and beanbag chairs for the mothers to use to support themselves. If you need comfort, you have the baby's father to help you relax."

Nurse Sara motioned for Nurse Selina to lean forward and put her hands on the bed. "Since many of you will be giving birth on or near a bed, we will first demonstrate what would happen if Nurse Selina needed a massage. Cue back labor."

"Oh, man!" Nurse Selina looked agonized. "My back sure hurts!"

"This is how you might make her feel better." Nurse Sara began massaging Nurse Selina's back, deeply pushing into it. Nurse Selina seemed to relax.

"I wish my husband still gave massages like this," she cooed. "But after your fourth or fifth, it's like, same old, same old. Did that darn backache come back again? Whatever, you've still got a whole litter to look after!"

"Well, keep in mind that I'm a trained professional," Nurse Sara reminded her. "Your husband is just a guy."

Nurse Selina laughed. "Tell me something I _don't_ know!"

"Anyway," Nurse Sara continued, "why don't we all do it together now?"

Nurse Sara continued with Nurse Selina's massage, while all the fathers tried to do it with the mothers. Dylan wasn't doing his massage very well, apparently, because Ashley shrieked in pain the moment he started in on it.

"OW!" she snapped. "You fail at this! You fail at life!"

"Sorry, honey!" Dylan whined, pressing harder as she winced. Nurse Sara rushed over with some massage oil to help them; Nurse Selina passed the rest of it around. She gave some to Sirius and Barbara, and Sirius was made to put it on his hands.

"How is this any different than steak fat?" he asked, but she ignored him, placing his hands on Barbara's shoulder blades.

"Massage up from her shoulders and neck and then ALLL the way down to her lower back," she explained, as Sirius did his best. "Use long, slow strokes with firm pressure. Feel that tension just melt away."

Sirius led Barbara over to one of the hospital beds and bade her lean over, trying to do his best with the massage. He thought he must be doing _something_ right, because Barbara looked like she was feeling her back pain alleviate a little.

At one point they found an exercise ball that nobody was using. Barbara laughed when she tried to sit on it; she almost fell completely off, but Sirius caught her at the last minute, holding her under the armpits. She giggled and stood up again.

"Here… _you_ sit on it," she said jokingly, plunking Sirius on the exercise ball.

"Actually, this is kind of fun." Sirius felt like he wanted to bounce, but he didn't want to look childish. However, he was shocked when Barbara plopped flirtatiously down into his lap. The weight made both of them fall off this time, laughing as they landed in each other's arms. Nurse Sara didn't seem impressed that they were fooling around, though, so she gently lifted Barbara up.

"You don't just sit on it like that, Barbara," she explained patiently. "You're supposed to lean against it."

Nurse Sara set the exercise ball directly facing the wall, and she had Barbara lower herself down so that she was almost lying on top of the ball in a very deep squatting position with her legs spread and then…slowly breathe. She looked uncomfortable; Sirius remembered her telling him yesterday that she hated squatting.

"Listen," said Barbara in a strained voice. "I see people sit on these things all the time."

"Well, there is a certain way to do it," Nurse Selina replied, walking over to the three of them. "I'll show you."

Nurse Selina then grabbed Sirius and set him down on a different exercise ball. Then she spread his legs out and had him put both hands on his thighs.

"Now what?" said Sirius.

"Just move in big circles, and don't forget to breathe deeply." Nurse Selina placed her hands on Sirius's shoulders and moved him back and forth and all around as he practiced his deep breathing. Words couldn't begin to describe how awkward it was, and the fact that Barbara was watching, obviously trying not to laugh, wasn't helping.

"Focus on moving from side to side, Mr. Black," Nurse Sara added. "It will help the baby gently move positions, with much less pain."

"Yeah, I sure can feel this baby coming," Sirius said sarcastically. Barbara couldn't hold it in anymore and fell out of her squat, hysterical with laughter. Nurse Sara looked like she meant business, though, so Sirius did as he was told.

"Meanwhile, we have another one for you, Barbara." Nurse Sara left Sirius for the moment and set Barbara on top of her exercise ball. "Just gently bounce up and down. The last thing you need is to fall off the birthing ball when you're in labor."

"Like this?" said Barbara, trying to bounce as little as possible.

"You can use a little more bounce," Nurse Sara told her. "Enough to get your baby moving. Put some pressure on the cervix if necessary, too. This can also be used to break your water, if you're having trouble with that."

"I'm sure I will," said Barbara. "That stuff about women's water breaking before they get to the hospital…I doubt I'll be that lucky."

"And as for you, Mr. Black," said Nurse Sara, pulling Sirius up by his hand and leading him over to Barbara, "give a hug to Barbara as she's sitting on the birthing ball, then sort of rock her back and forth like so."

Nurse Sara set Nurse Selina down on the exercise ball and hugged her, gently swaying her from side to side. They looked like sisters two who had known each other for a lifetime, or possibly lesbians. Sirius looked over at Barbara as if asking permission; she just gave him a flirtatious smile. Sirius was all too glad to be in physical contact with her. He put one hand on her shoulder, the other on her belly. (Barbara once told him that Phoebe was always more active when he was around, and he'd prefer not to miss it when it happened.)

"Look, I'm all for seeing Mummy and Daddy cuddling." Nurse Selina laughed. "But if she was _really_ in labor, that pose wouldn't help her out so much. You've got to rock her, Mr. Black."

"Well, he rocks my world," said Barbara, and this time Sirius couldn't help laughing. He placed both hands on Barbara's hips while she put her arms around his neck. As they began to do their rocking, Sirius tried to imagine Barbara being in labor, and wondered if this would really help her. Maybe, if there was someone more professional at it.

"As these two show, it is _very_ important for a woman to move her hips when she's in labor, and mobility in general is encouraged," Nurse Sara said to the class at large. "Now, let's continue with the field trip, shall we?"

"Happy trails." Nurse Selina waved goodbye.

"Do they have birthing balls at Birth Clinics, Siri?" Barbara asked curiously as they walked out of the room, lagging slightly behind the rest of the class. "They probably don't have them, because there's no pain to manage, right? So that whole thing was pointless?"

"Not necessarily," Sirius told her. "As I understand it, there's a certain point when they can give it to you…If the witch is administered the potion too early, it won't work. So sometimes there's a little pain. And as strange as it may sound to some, a lot of mothers just don't take the potion at all. They think it takes away from the experience. So there are coping mechanisms, I suppose."

"I admire those women a lot," said Barbara. "That's what my mother wants me to do. But how could you stay focused on the experience when you're trying to endure the pain?"

"Don't ask me," said Sirius. "If I was giving birth, I'd take the potion."

During the next hour, Nurse Sara led the students throughout the maternity ward of the hospital. They got to go to the nursery and see all the sleeping babies (causing some of the fathers and almost all of the mothers to go into spasms of delight), and they got to see a room all set up for a delivery. They got to have a chat with one of the doctors, who discussed pain medicine options with them. When they got back to their regular room, the pregnant women were tired out from all that walking, so some of the fathers gave them foot or back massages as Nurse Sara talked about their next activity.

"Many people believe that the bonding between parent and child begins at birth," Nurse Sara began. "Not so. There are many ways to communicate with your little ones before they're born. So we're going to become more educated about that."

"I like to sing to him!" Anthony shouted, raising his hand.

"I like to lecture her about the dangers of climate change," Jason added.

"I like to share the gossip with her," said Ashley.

Sirius didn't say anything as he kept massaging Barbara's feet. He did talk to Phoebe every night, and he always was feeling for kicks and he would even (although he was a little embarrassed to admit it) kiss her goodnight. It wasn't only for Phoebe; he also loved seeing the smile on Barbara's face as he tried his best to bond with Phoebe. She said she loved watching a regular guy turn into a father. But Sirius didn't sing or gossip, and he certainly didn't lecture Phoebe on climate change (in fact, he wasn't quite sure what that was, just like with veganism).

He just talked to her about normal things, like what he did that day, or what he ate for dinner, or about the new house. Sometimes he'd turn into Padfoot and bark or whine, just to be funny. (Probably no other baby here had a Padfoot.) It seemed like a one-sided conversation, and he always wondered whether or not she could really hear him, but he just wanted her to know his voice. Sirius had always felt a little jealous of Barbara in that way; Phoebe would know her mother's heartbeat, voice, laugh and touch. They got to have every meal together and they even breathed together! Could Phoebe ever know her father that well?

"One more way to bond is through touch," said Nurse Sara, as if reading Sirius's thoughts. "It's important for babies to receive physical contact, even before they leave the mother. So I want every father here to give his baby's mother a belly massage. Try to bond with your babies while you do it."

Sirius then realized what the pillows were for, and he was glad he hadn't wasted his money. He put one of them under Barbara's head, and the other under her feet. He decided he would talk to Phoebe again, but this proved difficult. It was one thing to talk to Barbara's baby bump when it was just the two of them in their bedroom at night; it was another to do it in a room full of people.

"So, uh…where do you think her ears are?" Sirius asked uncomfortably. "Or does she not have any?"

"Babies have ears by the eighteenth week of pregnancy, Mr. Black," said Nurse Sara, smiling. "And at this point in the pregnancy, she could already be facing downwards, towards the cervix."

Sirius suddenly felt a little bad when he heard how early babies get ears. Barbara had been almost two months pregnant before he even _knew_ , and he spent all that time in Scotland before she knew he was a wizard, and he didn't talk to Phoebe at _all?_ It was only after school ended and Barbara moved into the flat that the idea of conversing with Phoebe occurred to Sirius. Before, he'd felt for kicks a little, but nothing more than that. What kind of father _was_ he? This would have to change right now!

"I had no idea you could hear everything, love," he said, putting his hands on Barbara's belly. She giggled. "Or…can you? I mean, how do they test it? Kick twice if you can hear me!"

"Stop, Siri, I mean it!" said Barbara, almost choking on her laughter. "No more jokes! You already made me pee, like, four times today. Don't do it again!"

"Well, okay," he said. "But honestly, we have a lot of catching up to do…What do I say?"

"You could be like Anthony and sing something," Barbara suggested.

"Oh, c'mon, what do I look like, some kind of—" But then Sirius paused. Maybe that wasn't such a bad idea.

"Look, it's not just Anthony who's singing," Barbara pointed out, and she was right. Even Dylan was warbling away tunelessly as Ashley winced.

"I could sing the Sorting Hat Song, the one it sang last September," said Sirius. "Nobody would know what I'm talking about. They'd just think it was a nursery rhyme."

"Great!" said Barbara, the pillow slipping out from underneath her head in her excitement; Sirius put it right. "And you can sing it to her all the time, so when she's born, and she's crying, you can sing it to her and she'll be happy again!"

The thought of little baby Phoebe being calmed by Sirius, her father, because she remembered his voice, was just too much for Sirius. That made him more excited to meet her than ever. Even if babies couldn't really hear, he liked to think they could. So he started in on the song.

 _Oh, you may not think I'm pretty_

 _But don't judge on what you see_

 _I'll eat myself if you can find_

 _A smarter hat than me._

Sirius sang through all of the verses, including the ones about each of the Houses; he sang a little bit louder when he got to Gryffindor, in case that made any kind of impact. Barbara was still smiling as he came to the last verse:

 _So put me on! Don't be afraid!_

 _And don't get in a flap!_

 _You're in safe hands (though I have none)_

 _For I'm a Thinking Cap!_

"You're a good singer, Sirius," said Barbara. "I'm sure Phoebe thinks so, too."

Meanwhile, Dylan was singing (or attempting to sing) "God Save the Queen," the British National Anthem. Sirius had never heard a song mangled so much in all his life. Dylan was just finishing Verse 2, rubbing Ashley's pregnant belly as he did so (massage wouldn't be the right word; he looked more like he was kneading dough).

"On Thee our hopes we fix!" shrieked Dylan, somehow never managing to hit any of the notes. "God save us AAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!"

"Enough!" Ashley shouted. Sirius and Barbara both had their hands over their ears.

"W-What was that, Ookums Snookums?" said Dylan, clearing his throat.

"I never want you to sing again! Ever!" she snapped. "Someday you're going to blow out our baby's eardrums!"

"You mean _your_ baby's eardrums, Ashley," Sirius said coldly, before he could stop himself.

"Don't listen to him, Dylan." Ashley scowled. "He's just jealous."

"Jealous?" Sirius said incredulously. "Of _what?"_

"Of our relationship," Dylan said.

"Dylan, mate, I've got a hundred problems," said Sirius, "but a cheating girlfriend isn't one."

Ashley bristled, but luckily that was when Nurse Sara came walking by.

"Everything okay over here?" she asked pointedly.

"Just fine," said Sirius.

"Maybe you should talk a little, Dylan," Nurse Sara suggested. "Tell your baby about how you met your girlfriend, for example."

"O-Okay," Dylan said uncomfortably. Ashley groaned.

Sirius didn't listen to Dylan's story. Instead, he turned back to Phoebe and began talking to her. He supposed he felt sorry for her, having to hang around these people all day.

"I just want you to remember something, Phoebe," he told her. "There's room for all kinds of people in this world. Don't ever let anyone tell you what you can or can't be. Make sure you judge people based on who they are, not what they are. Barbara and I are bringing you into a different world than that of your grandparents, and I think that's the greatest gift I can give to you, my daughter. I try to make the world a better place—"

"No, you don't," Jason interrupted rudely.

"Maybe not the way Jason wants it," said Sirius. "But this way, Pheebs, you'll get to live your own life. We'll never leave you behind, and you'll never have to feel like you aren't loved, because you'll always be loved. I'll treat you the opposite of the way your grandparents treated me. Well—unless we're talking about your mother's parents, of course. They treat me very well."

"Thanks, Siri." Barbara smiled again. "I love you."

"I love you, too," said Sirius.

"All right, dads, belly time is over," Nurse Sara announced. "Remember how yesterday I said I had a surprise for a brave mother or a very brave father?"

"Yes," said several of the students.

"Well, now it's time," said Nurse Sara. "Any volunteers?"

There was silence for a minute, then—

"What the hell," said Sirius, standing up. "I'm brave. I'll do it."

 **TO BE CONTINUED!**


	3. The Empathy Birth

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know a lot of you were waiting for the empathy birth…and here it is! Remember, if stuff having to do with pregnancy and birth isn't your thing, you might want to skip this chapter, like you did the previous two. The main story will be continuing after this.**

 **MESSAGE FOR "THE BEST GUEST": That comment REALLY made me laugh! I assume you mean Sirius and Barbara actually doing the deed, as opposed to the process going on inside Barbara (considering fertilization can actually happen up to five days after the couple has sex). Since this story is rated T, I can't do it in this story. But I could do a one-shot rated M.**

"Thank you, Mr. Black," said Nurse Sara. "Now, wait a moment while I go out and get my equipment…"

As soon as she had gone, Jason glared at Sirius.

"You're not going to get away with this," he snarled. " _I'm_ going to do the challenge."

"Fine." Sirius glared at him. "But I bet you 25 pounds you won't be able to handle it."

"Make it thirty!"

"Thirty-five pounds!" Sirius snapped. "Take it or leave it!"

"I'll take it, _thanks_ ," Jason said obnoxiously. "But if you don't survive the challenge, I don't have to give you the money, got it?"

"You've got yourself a goddamn deal," Sirius said, reaching out his hand to shake, but then thinking better of it.

"I have indeed," said Jason, scowling. "There's no way some ignorant, animal-murdering old person with a huge carbon footprint can outdo me."

"I'm not even that old!" Sirius said in exasperation. "I'm only 33! I haven't even reached middle age!"

"Just keep talking while I look for a rest home," sneered Jason.

"Well, I should be the one laughing, because I bet my carbon footprint is MUCH bigger than yours!" Sirius said back.

"Siri, that's not exactly something to be proud of," Barbara whispered.

They both had to shut up then, though, because that was when Nurse Sara walked back into the room, holding a strange little device. It looked sort of like the cordless telephone Sirius had back at his London flat upon first glance, except it had wires and strange little white pads attached.

"This is a Birth Pain Simulator," she explained with a smile. "Can I have our volunteer, please?"

"Yes," said Jason, standing up like his seat had been electrocuted. Sirius rolled his eyes. He did want those thirty-five pounds, but he would've seen this douchenozzle suffer for nothing. Jason was just annoying.

"All right, then, here's what we're going to do," said Nurse Sara. "Not only will Jason be able to feel some of the pain his wife, Sequoia, will be feeling, but this will also educate the rest of the class on what a real birth might look like. To begin with, labor starts with something called Early Labor. When you're in early labor, you don't need to go to the hospital or Birthing Center until you've moved onto active labor. If you're giving birth at home, you can call the midwife, but she doesn't need to come to your house just yet."

"What do we do during early labor?" asked Jason's wife, Sequoia, raising her hand. She looked as unwashed as he did.

"You use the breathing techniques to handle the pains, which should be mild," Nurse Sara told her. "You can also take a walk or move around the house. For those of you who are not giving birth at home, early labor is a good time to get your things packed. Once the pains became longer, stronger and more frequent, you may be in active labor.

"All right, then, Jason," she continued, setting her Birth Pain Simulator on the ground. "Pull up your shirt and let me put these pads on your abdomen. They will contract your muscles, imitating the pains felt during childbirth. Do you still want to continue?"

"Yes," said Jason firmly, glaring at Sirius.

"All right then…" Nurse Sara handed a sheet of paper to Jason. "These are some of the examples of stomach pain that these will emulate."

"1, out-of-shape person trying to run a marathon," Jason read. "2, mild period cramps. 5, severe period cramps. 8, lactose intolerant person who has consumed two or more consecutive milkshakes. 10, childbirth."

Nurse Sara lifted up Jason's smelly white tank top, which had yellow pit stains on it, and attached the white pads to his abdomen. Now it was time for the pain. Sirius grinned.

"Ouch!" said Jason as Nurse Sara pressed the button. But then he relaxed when it was over. "Hey, I survived labor!"

"No," Nurse Sara replied, "you survived the first contraction. They'll get worse."

"Just pretend that this is another way to save the Earth," Sequoia suggested.

"All right," said Jason. "So I pretend I'm in early labor?"

"Yes." Nurse Sara pressed another button.

"OW!" Jason howled. "What was that one, a 6?!"

"It was a 2, Jason," Nurse Sara told him. When she wasn't looking, Sirius flapped his arms like chicken wings.

"I am _not_ chicken," Jason hissed, then— "OWWWWWWWWW! EPIDURAL! EPIDURAL!"

"You're still in early labor!" Nurse Sara said in astonishment. "That was only level 3!"

"Who cares, take them off of me!" Jason shouted, peeling the white pads off and running to the back of the room. "I don't want to give birth! Xenu bless my Y chromosome!"

"As Jason clearly demonstrates, not everyone can take it," Nurse Sara said snidely. All the mothers in the room giggled. "Now, Mr. Black, do you want to give it a go?"

Sirius wasn't as confident now that he had seen Jason's reactions, but then, Jason was probably just weak. Sirius had endured Level 8 pains (essentially, bad gas) and he had survived. 10 wouldn't be so far of a stretch from that, either…hopefully.

"Yes, I will," said Sirius, standing up. Jason glared; Sirius just grinned. If he survived the challenge, those 35 pounds were his.

After the white pads had been placed carefully onto Sirius, he kneeled on the floor and waited for the contractions to begin, feeling a little nervous.

"Are we going to start at 1?" he asked. "Or do I have to pick up where Jason left off?"

"We can start at 1," Nurse Sara reassured him. So she pressed the button and…

It wasn't so much of a pain, more like just a little twinge. The pain barely hurt at all, so Sirius just shrugged. Nurse Sara pressed 1 a couple more times, then she proceeded to Level 2. Level 2 definitely had something he would classify as pain, but it was something he could easily ignore. Just a couple of short, little stabbing pains here and there…So far, so good. Jason really _was_ weak.

"We'll go into active labor at Stage 5," said Nurse Sara. "If the pains get bad, Mr. Black, just remember the breathing exercises. Perhaps you'd like to hold his hand, Barbara?"

"Am I going to be the dad?" she asked jokingly, walking over to Sirius.

"I think you might have to be," Sirius told her. She held his hand; it was warm and soft. He had to remember not to squeeze too hard, or he'd break her delicate, soft fingers… _Woah, back to the topic at hand_ , he reminded himself.

"The pains are starting to be felt, Mr. Black," Nurse Sara informed him. "But it's not time to go to the hospital yet. Just have Barbara time your contractions, and go to the hospital once we get to Level 5."

Barbara held Sirius's hand, Nurse Sara pressed the button, and—

"OUCH!" Sirius and Barbara both yelled at the same time. That hurt! It wasn't anything Sirius couldn't deal with…but it was worse than 2. Sirius looked over at Barbara, and she was massaging her hand.

"Sorry," he told her. "I'll squeeze something else."

"Try my purse," said Barbara, handing it over.

Sirius didn't want to think of what a 10 would be like. He had gone through a lot of pain in his life…corporal punishment as a kid, his bat incident, the unseemly side effects of his antidepressants. But those could all pale in comparison to what he would have to get through today.

Nurse Sara took Sirius through several fours; the way he got through it was by squeezing Barbara's purse and trying to think of something else. Barbara massaged his shoulders and ran her fingers through his hair. That made it a little better, too. Next up would be Level 5…active labor, when they would start to deliver the baby.

Sirius didn't want to look weak, so he anticipated the 5 coming. He just squeezed Barbara's purse as hard as he could…but Merlin, that _hurt_. He couldn't help but let out a groan of pain, and he wanted to rip the machine out of Nurse Sara's hands. Barbara kept comforting him as best she could.

"Remember, you're allowed to make sound, Mr. Black," Nurse Sara told him. "And try breathing deeply, while focusing on positioning."

"What's that?" said Sirius.

"Just lean on this table, for example," said Nurse Sara. When Sirius was leaning over the metal supply table, she shocked him again. It was terrible, but he tried to focus on his breathing. Barbara rubbed his back.

"Focusing on my breathing isn't doing ANYTHING!" he moaned.

"Remember—hee, hee, hoo," said Nurse Sara.

"Time to drive to the hospital," Barbara added, so Nurse Sara shocked Sirius with some more fives. He wished he could call out "Epidural" like Jason had, but he couldn't show weakness—and he really wanted to win that bet. Besides, Barbara was going to do this for real. The whole point of the Empathy Birth was to feel her pain, wasn't it? How could he feel her pain if he had the option to bail out when she didn't?

"Don't you have to check for dilation, Nurse Sara?" Anthony said, raising his hand and waving it in circles. Sirius glared daggers at him.

"Oh, yes," said Nurse Sara with a grin. "Barbara, would you grab one of the pillows, please?"

Sirius's abdominal muscles were already sore from his fake contractions, so he yelled out when Nurse Sara gave him another one. But he couldn't believe it when Barbara pushed him down, grabbed his knees, and spread them apart. She put one pillow under his head, the other under his back.

"Put your hands underneath your thighs, Siri," she instructed, so he did. Pretty much every mom-to-be in the room was laughing herself silly by now, even Sequoia. Ashley looked especially pleased. Sirius liked making people laugh, but he didn't know how he felt about Nurse Sara pretending to check his dilation.

"Who knows how many centimeters Sirius needs to be dilated in order to give birth?" Nurse Sara asked. Even she couldn't hold back a little snicker.

"Ten centimeters!" Anthony piped up.

"Good job, Anthony," said Nurse Sara. Barbara giggled and held Sirius's head in her hands, and the pregnant women howled with mirth as Nurse Sara bent down, put her hands on Sirius's knees, and pretended to check for dilation.

"So what is it?" asked Sirius. "Ten?"

"Only five, Mr. Black," she said, shaking her head. "But until the water breaks, you're not going to get very far."

"Your water hasn't broken yet?" said Barbara in mock astonishment. "Should we break it, Nurse Sara?"

"We might have to, if his labor doesn't progress," Nurse Sara replied. She looked like she was quite enjoying herself.

"No, stay away from there!" said Sirius, and Nurse Sara gave him another contraction. "OWWW! What was that for?!"

"You can't dilate without contractions," Nurse Sara informed him. Then she said to the class at large, "The waters are broken by sticking an instrument like _this_ through the vagina and dilated cervix."

Nurse Sara held up a slim, metal doctor's tool.

"That looks like it hurts," said one of the mothers.

"Compared to the rest of the birth, which is painless," said Ashley sarcastically.

"Breaking the waters actually doesn't hurt," Nurse Sara told them. "Don't worry."

"Just wait for my water to break naturally, okay?" Sirius said adamantly.

"And it just did!" Nurse Sara announced, putting a towel down and splashing what looked like a mixture of water and milk all over it. "Your labor should go quickly now. Contractions will be much stronger."

Nurse Sara shocked Sirius again.

"Go to your happy place, Siri," said Barbara encouragingly. "Breathe in, breathe out."

"All right, Barbara, it's show time." Nurse Sara handed a baby doll to Barbara. "You've got to be the dad."

"I'm guessing I have to take this doll out of him, right?" asked Barbara, taking the doll in her arms.

"Exactly," said Nurse Sara. "And you seem to be forgetting something else."

"What are they forgetting, Nurse Sara?" Anthony called. Sirius saw that he was taking notes.

"This." Nurse Sara handed Barbara what looked like a skinny pink tube sock with the foot part cut off.

"What's that?" said Sirius, getting the feeling he would regret asking this question.

"This is a simulated birth canal," Nurse Sara explained, and placed the doll's head inside the knit sock, so you could just barely see the top of its head. "Your task is to get your baby out of the birth canal and into your arms. Then set her on Sirius's chest."

" _That's_ my vagina?!" said Barbara in disbelief. "I'm going to have to push my baby through _that?!"_

"Everything stretches, Barbara," Nurse Sara replied. Sirius heard Dylan snort with laughter.

"I wouldn't have to stretch much to accommodate _you_ , Dylan," Ashley hissed. Sirius and Barbara both winced. Sirius's neck was strained from holding it up to see what was going on, so he put it back down again and tried to ignore his sore abdominal muscles, knowing worse contractions would come soon.

"Don't just sit there, Barbara!" said Anthony. "Deliver the baby!"

Barbara held her tube sock and doll in between Sirius's legs. She gripped the middle of the tube sock with one hand and placed her other hand inside the tube sock to grab for the doll's head, but Nurse Sara stopped her.

"No, no, wrong," she chided. "Would you let someone just stick his hand up your vagina like that, Barbara? Especially when you were in labor and were only five centimeters dilated?"

"Um…no?" Barbara guessed, biting her lip.

"Right," said Nurse Sara. "Besides, this is your precious baby girl. You can't just pull her out by her head."

"Well, how _do_ I get her out?" Barbara asked.

"You and Mr. Black just have to work as a team," Nurse Sara explained. "For your part, you have to encourage him to push the baby out, and you can also massage the opening—gently guiding the baby out, not pulling, which can endanger her."

Sirius hoisted himself up a little again to see what was going on. Barbara was holding the knit vagina with two hands. But he fell back downwards with a cry of pain when Nurse Sara shocked him with a 6.

"Time to put your pain management skills to use," she told him. "Also, remember how to push—as if you were expelling waste."

"Is that why so many mothers soil themselves during labor?" hollered Anthony.

"That's exactly why," said Nurse Sara. "I did it with three of my children."

"Well, that was way more than I needed to hear," Sirius muttered, but he was used to it from Anthony by now. Nurse Sara shocked him with another 6.

"Can _we_ shock him, Nurse Sara?" Ashley asked eagerly.

"Hmm…why not?" Nurse Sara shrugged. "Mothers, you can get your turn."

"It's time for the men to feel our pain as women!" Sequoia announced, standing up. Ashley and then almost all the other women followed behind her as she walked to the front of the room. Sirius asked Barbara if she was going to do it.

"No, of course not," she whispered. "You know I'd much rather be a woman any day."

"Here's the deal, Mr. Black," said Nurse Sara. "When you have a contraction, that's when you receive a pain, all right? Just like real contractions, they'll get worse as labor goes on. The contractions will also be the times when you push, so make sure you remember how to do it—abs and pelvic floor."

Then she bent down and showed Barbara how to squeeze the tube sock a little bit every push, to mimic what contractions were like, and to give them both a better understanding of what would actually be happening to Barbara's body during childbirth.

"Remember to breathe," said Nurse Sara. "And you're almost at ten centimeters, so if you feel ready to push, go ahead."

Sirius tried to focus on his patterned breathing. Meanwhile, he had about three minutes to relax while Barbara waited with the doll still shoved deep inside the knit vagina. But Nurse Sara gave Sirius another 6 and told Barbara he was having another contraction.

"Hey, I don't think that was five minutes," Sirius moaned; he didn't want another contraction, and he _definitely_ didn't want to do any "pushing."

"So you think every single break is going to be the same number of minutes?" Nurse Sara raised an eyebrow. "And don't talk! At this point you can't talk during your contractions.

Sirius had been trying not to make too much noise like Jason had, but he just couldn't help it. All the women were lined up and giving him sevens. If he had been standing up, he probably wouldn't have been able to walk very well. It wasn't as bad as his bat incident, but could anything possibly hurt worse than that? And at the end of the day, would he be sorry he asked? As the women took care of the contractions, the men (especially Anthony) were crowding around, watching and shouting semi-encouraging, semi-irritating words.

"Push, Mr. Black! Push!"

"Your baby's crowning! Keep pushing!"

"Harder, harder!"

"Really _push_ , Mr. Black!" Nurse Sara shouted. "Come on, I want to hear some grunting!"

"Blimey, Barbara, why did you do this to me?" Sirius cried.

"You asked for it!" she said back. "Now PUSH!"

Nurse Sara and the mothers made Sirius suffer more as Barbara tried to massage the opening like she was told. Sirius was getting so frustrated! Why couldn't she just pull the damn thing out?

"It's an eight! It's an eight!" said one of the mothers. Okay, that was way worse than gas! Sirius let out a howl of pain.

"C'mon, push and grunt, Mr. Black, push and grunt!" Nurse Sara commanded. "Did you learn nothing yesterday? PUSH!"

"Okay, okay!" Sirius tried to remember what he'd learned about pushing yesterday. Wouldn't it be just great if he crapped his pants in front of everybody like Anthony said? Jason would have a good laugh at that…well, until Sirius took 35 pounds right out of his filthy neo-hippie hands! Just after Sirius had been shocked, he tried to replicate the pushing they had learned yesterday.

"Good job, Siri!" Barbara said encouragingly. "You're doing great!"

Over the course of ten minutes, Nurse Sara caused Sirius's fake-yet-all-too-real contractions to nearly overlap each other so that he never seemed to get a break in between. Anthony started to rub Sirius's shoulders, but Sirius knocked his arm away. It seemed Barbara was getting the hang of maneuvering her diagram; during contractions, the uterus would tense up and relax, so that's what she did with the tube sock during every contraction. Slowly they were making progress. The women simulated the contractions, the men cheered them on, and Nurse Sara handled things like a boss.

Things became tricky for Barbara on the next contraction, though. "Oh shit!"

"What is it?" Sirius squirmed to get up, but Nurse Sara held him down.

"The doll's arm! It tore the vagina wide open!"

"That's got to hurt!" Anthony cried.

"Can we—can we have a new one?" Barbara asked sheepishly.

"Of course not," said Nurse Sara. "Do you think you're going to be asking for a new vagina when your baby is born?"

"I think I will be," Barbara whined, looking down at the hole.

"Well, you don't get one," Nurse Sara told her. "Now, let's get on with the birth! Push, Mr. Black, you're in the middle of a very strong contraction!"

"I AM TORN WIDE OPEN!" Sirius hollered. "AND YOU EXPECT ME TO— _AUGH!"_

Sirius downright screamed. This _had_ to be a 10.

"Oh my God! There's blood, there's blood everywhere!" Anthony shrieked.

"There is _not_ blood," Barbara said strictly, glaring at him.

"Well, there would be if this was all real!" Anthony protested.

"I'LL SHOW YOU REAL!" Sirius roared, brandishing a fist. "WE CAN TAKE THIS OUTSIDE IF YOU WANT, YOU SNIVELLING LITTLE—OWWWW!"

"How many times do I have to tell you?" Nurse Sara scolded. "You can't talk during contractions."

"GET IT OUT, BARBARA!" Somebody kept shocking Sirius with a 10, and he didn't appreciate it. "GET IT FUCKING OUT!"

"I'm trying, I'm trying!" Barbara cried desperately, and then—"Yep! Her head's out!"

"Just her _head?!"_

"The baby's head is the hard part," said Nurse Sara. "Remember the birth video? The rest is easier. It won't be long now."

Sirius pretended to push a few more times; he only got shocked once, with what felt like a 5 or 6, and when Barbara successfully extracted the doll from the knit vagina, everyone cheered, just like in the birth video. Barbara placed the doll in Sirius's arms. Nurse Sara removed the white shock pads and replaced them with a hot compress, which helped soothe his sore abdominal muscles.

"Hey, look, our baby is here," Sirius whispered. Barbara laughed and pulled him up to sit by her.

"Good job, Siri," she said. "You had a difficult job."

"Well, your task was difficult too—assisting in the birth, I mean," Sirius told her. "Thank God _I'll_ never have to do that!"

…

After a little rest (during which Jason resentfully forked over the 35 pounds), Nurse Sara concluded their birthing course with a fun assignment. They were supposed to practice bathing babies—but instead of using dolls, Nurse Sara had them use…

"Puppies!" Barbara squealed. "Oh my God!"

"Have fun, students," Nurse Sara told them, beaming.

Sirius was still pretty achy, and when nobody was looking he'd used magic to temporarily attach the heat compress to himself. But he loved animals, especially dogs, and they listened to him, even when they weren't trained.

Barbara and Sirius got a tiny white ball of fur named Maggie, so small she could fit in Sirius's hand. She was obviously scared and shaking.

"Don't worry, girl, we're not going to hurt you," Sirius said in a soothing voice, stroking her head (which was smaller than his fist) with one finger. "Go on, sit…there's a good girl."

Maggie seemed to instantly relax. She wagged her tiny tail and sat down.

"I've never understood how you can do that," Barbara said in wonder.

"It's just an ability of mine," Sirius told her, shrugging. "I have a connection with animals, and I've had it since I was really little. I remember when I was five and my dad was going to sacrifice a goat in a Dark ritual, and I managed to rescue the goat because it seemed to understand what I was saying."

"Well, that's pretty horrifying, but at least you saved the goat," said Barbara.

Jason and Sequoia had a wild golden retriever puppy named Goldie, and it was clear Goldie didn't like baths. He was squirming around and when he got wet he shook all over Jason.

"Probably the first bath you've had in months, huh, Jason?" Sirius called. Barbara laughed.

Dylan and Ashley were having a hard time, too. They had been given a huge German Shepherd puppy, and the two of them tried to place him in the bathtub, but he flipped it over right onto Dylan's head. Dylan screamed in terror. Ashley was not pleased.

"Get UP, you worthless idiot!" she screeched. "And take that tub off your head! You look ridiculous!"

"I'm sorry," Dylan whined.

Sirius and Barbara went back to bathing Maggie, who was very well-behaved. She looked so skinny when wet, since she was so fluffy, but also cute. Once all the puppies were clean (Goldie and the German Shepherd notwithstanding), birthing class was finally finished, and it was time to go home.

"I have things for both mothers and fathers to remember," Nurse Sara said in her conclusion speech. "Mothers—remember, you don't become a mother the day your baby is born. You grow into motherhood throughout your pregnancy. You learn to become more nurturing, and you form such a close bond with your child. Savor these days.

"Fathers," she continued. "Research shows that living with someone you love and fathering that person's children can make you a better man. You'll be more in tune with what others feel now. Your instincts will be dedicated to the well-being of your children, and the well-being of your babies' mothers as well. You'll always feel a need to protect them."

"But, I mean, we weren't planning for this baby," said Dylan nervously, raising his hand. "I'm not sure how she'll fit into our lives."

"Almost every parent experiences that feeling at some point," Nurse Sara told him. "All of this is normal. Trust me—and I speak to every new parent here—you might not see it right away, but you all have an amazing experience waiting for you. From the very moment the baby is conceived to the moment you meet your grandchildren, every day is full of wonderful surprises. I hope you have learned something about giving birth in these past two days, and I hope you mothers, fathers and children are all closer to each other, too. Class dismissed."

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE: Well, here we are! Childbirth class is over, and I hope you enjoyed it…at least more than Sirius did! (Don't worry, he'll be okay!)**


End file.
